bring me that horizon

Last anyone knew, my road trip was canceled. Finito. Done. Off. Patrick went back to Tennessee and called everything off and I came home to convalesce and I didn't know what was coming next in my life.

But then everything changed.

And everything changed again.

And before it had a chance to change the second time, it changed a third time.

And then things stayed the same for a second, then changed back again to before the second change but after the first change. So they were still gonna change but a bunch of other changes were annulled.

And here I am now - 10:42 pm Eastern time on Tuesday, June 8, and right this second I will say this:

The trip is back on.

Now, I noted the precise date and time because who knows what will happen at 10:50 pm or even 11:37 pm and don't even ask about 8:02 am. But right now, all systems are go.

Below the jump, find out WTF happened.



The short version is that, when I went back to Tennessee for the Neil Young concert, Patrick and I had a lot of serious conversations about what is going to come next for us. I offered to move to Knoxville if he decided to stay there, so for a while that had been my plan. But it soon became apparent to him that he wouldn't be able to stay in Knoxville for any variety of reasons - be it economic, emotional or just plan because he said so. So it was time to leave. But go where?

I still wanted to travel. I never stopped wanting to travel. Neither of us have the money we thought we would have when starting this trip, but we spent a few hotel room afternoons sitting and talking and thinking and figuring and we decided we needed to carpe diem this shit. We need to do this. The world has a way of making things happen that need to happen, and this needs to happen.

When I left Knoxville, I asked Patrick if he would be arriving in New Jersey in two weeks. He said yes. I said, "Do you promise?"

Now, Pat's never promised anything to me, ever. Not once since we have known each other has he promised anything to me. But to that, he said yes - he promised that he would be in New Jersey on or around June 12.

I drove to Pittsburgh that night, and while I was in Pittsburgh, Pat's plans changed a few times again - and for a second there it looked like the trip was back off again - but whew, it regressed back to being back on and by now I think I can safely say that, this coming Friday (a day early even!), Patrick will come to New Jersey and we will start figuring out precisely how all this is going to go down.

I probably have inspired a bunch of raised eyebrows out there. Like... "You really think this is gonna happen? It's been canceled so many times, it has changed so many times, your situation is so tenuous, and you really think this is gonna happen?"

The answer is yes. I really think this is gonna happen. Life is far too short to doubt yourself. Life is too short to worry. Life is too damn short to hesitate and wait and see if it's gonna be okay. I'm sick of waiting to see if it's gonna be okay. I have a shot at this right this second and if I wait another second that opening might close right back up again, and I can not risk that. I have come way too far to risk that.

I quit my job, subleased my house, drove away from Santa Fe and abandoned a stable, comfortable life for something I couldn't define or be sure of. And I don't regret that for a half a second. And one of the main reasons I don't regret that is Patrick.

A few posts ago I said that I don't want to be all adolescent and fluffy here, and I still don't want to do that - but it's important to acknowledge that I believe in love. I am so in love with being in love that I don't get blinded by it - I am not passive here - I grab the blinders and put them on and charge forward because what better way to live life? What better way to get by than surrounded, smothered and completely engulfed in love?

It's not all marshmallows and kitty cats and unicorns. Jesus, I know that. For Christ's sake, I fell madly in love with a man with no job, no home, three kids and a contentious divorce. I am well aware that this is not going to be easy. It has not been easy. There has been no honeymoon period in this relationship - we launched right into the bullshit that makes most couples crumble. After this, everything will be easy. And I figure, if I am this hopeful and this madly in love and this absolutely blinded by happiness amidst all this bullshit, I will probably joyously implode once everything gets easier.

Patrick inspired me to change my life. The weekend I met Patrick (albeit before I really got to know him), I decided I was going to change my life - and then he was the catalyst for me to make that change. That one weekend in January (which I will perhaps post about here later) changed my perspective and my attitude so profoundly that I will never, ever be the same - and I thank God for that every day.

I am so close to this freedom, to this trip, that I can taste it. I have been sitting here for a few days tracing out my route in my old road atlas (that's the crappy cell phone pic above) and my heart speeds up with every little pink dot I put down, marking some other national park to see or person to visit or city I have always wanted to explore. I am not going to let this slip by. I am not going to let this be called off again. This is mine now, and this is going to happen, one way or another.

I have so much momentum right now that I couldn't slow down if I tried.

So here I am. 11:08 pm and things haven't changed since I started this post. Patrick will be here in a matter of days, I'll start bringing in a little petty cash here and there starting Thursday of this week, and in a few moments I will write another post detailing the route I've sketched out so far (and which Patrick has vowed, via text message, to change all around on me).